Monday, November 21, 2011

The All So Familiar Hallway.

We had been so excited to get the unexpected news that we were adding another crazy Vaughn into the world.  Although a complete surprise, it was something we felt that God obviously wanted for our family.  We found out super early in the pregnancy and Jada happened to be with me when I got the news from the Doctor's office.  She immediately began telling random strangers that she was going to be a big sister again.  We knew right away that we were not going to be keeping this a secret for any amount of time.

So we announced it over facebook the exciting news...and the response was to be expected..."No way!!!"  "Serious!!??"  "Four?!?!"  Yep...that is what we thought to!  Excited, nervous, but ready if that is what God had planned.

We had no idea the due date and on November 7th we had an appointment for an ultrasound to figure out when number 4 would debut.  The lady doing the ultrasound was beyond quiet and seemed standoffish even with us trying to engage a conversation.  She said that my doctor would contact us and she wasn't allowed to give any information.  Um...okay?  The Doctor called and asked us to go in.  I wanted her to tell me over the phone, but she didn't want to.  I knew something wasn't okay.  I had to wait a few hours for me to see her and we then waited a horrible 45 minutes for her to come in and tell me news I didn't want to hear...ever.    She explained that the baby had died at 7 weeks, and we needed to schedule a D & C.  I didn't believe it and wanted a second opinion and blood work.  So the whole week I went in for blood work and another ultra sound.  The baby was now measuring 5 weeks and there was no heartbeat or any signs of blood through the baby.  I knew it was a reality now.  I was so confused.  Not sure why God would allow this to happen, not only to us...but mainly Jada.  You see, when you tell a little girl that she is about to be a's a comparison of us winning the lottery- everything didn't matter, cause she was going to be another sister!

Telling Jada was the worst experience I have ever had to do.  There was a lot of tears, questions that she wanted to have answered, confusion of what this really meant.  She did understand, not that she wanted to, but she got it.  Asher didn't.  He was still praying every night that the baby would grow.  He will though, it just wasn't real to him yet.

The day had come that we scheduled the D & C.  We arrived at the hospital and began walking down the very same hallway that we did just 3 years ago with Logan.  The wall was covered with pictures of new born babies.  The halls echoed of small little cries from the babies and laughter coming from the new parents and families.  The smell was even recognizable to me.  It was so surreal.  We checked into the room that I would then recover in...this was not what I had expected when the Doctor told me 10 weeks prior that we would be having another baby.  It was somewhat quiet between Jody and I...which is not normal.  There wasn't too much to talk about I guess.  We felt sad.  I was brought back to the room that I actually delivered Logan through a C-section.  That same room had brought me life had also ended it.  It was a routine procedure to them with no emotional tie, I get that, but I would have loved a hug in that moment.  I was so glad that the anesthesia happened so quick cause I started to cry.  It was over so fast.  I had told Jody to make sure he recorded me coming out of the anesthesia...I knew it would be hilarious.  And yes, it was!  There is about 15 minutes of pure comedy...let's just say it involved- an elephant, umbrella, knock knock jokes with no ending, tears and songs- possible a new YouTube sensation.

I then came out of a 30 minutes deep sleep, and when I came to- it wasn't what I expected.   I felt a peace.  Not sure why, but I felt relieved that it was over.  I didn't want to be consumed with this anymore.  It was a new day.  There is nothing I am more thankful for, than my 3 amazing kids I get to go home to.  This was not what I would wish on anyone, nor do I understand why this has happened, but I got what I was praying for...Peace.  When you loose something, it really helps you appreciate what you still have.  I really have never had trouble with this department...I have always loved my kids every second of the day...but now, there is a new outlook.  I am more Thankful than I have been for the blessings that God has given us here on earth.  And now we have a little one in heaven waiting for us!  Then tonight at dinner Jada prayed, "God I pray that you would be with the baby in heaven".   I truly believe that she has that peace now to.  We may never know why we experienced it.  I think sometimes you go through things to give other people sympathy going through the same situation.  Maybe it's just to   have an attitude of gratitude.  And now being the week of Thanksgiving and looking around with what God has overly blessed us with...I will not question why, but I know that God Always has the best life planned for us and sometimes gives us opportunities to see that.  Maybe you are sitting at home and going through something difficult and you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I would encourage you to look around and start thanking God for the smallest of things, and you will start to see things a little different.  This difficult time will pass and He will give you the strength for the next day to come- but enjoy it...cause a new day is a blessing as is.